It appears that I am "difficult" to live with. So I was sent to a "naturopath" yesterday. Seems I am always stressed and don't talk nicely (we've only been married 20 years, so what's changed?). The naturopath works out of a pharmacy, and my appointment was for 9am, so, of course, I was waiting outside at 8:50. The lady at the counter informed me she was running "a bit" late. A battered Mitsubishi with a tattered orange ribbon on the side mirror drove up at 9:30, by this time I was pacing, fuming, clenched jawed, mean and spitting fire. She left her car blocking the road outside (with the hazard lights flashing), ran in and apologized for the traffic (I asked if this was the first time she had made the trip at this time. She looked me straight in the eye and said she does it three times a week, but has struggled for the last few weeks to get in before 9:30 - remember my appointment was for 9.00). Needless to say, I was not as open-minded as perhaps I should have been.
She started by looking at my nails, tongue and eyes. Then she sat back, looked towards the heavens and produced the verdict. It seems I'm like a cat - I fall with my feet on the ground in any situation and from any height. That said, my intestines are full. They are pulsing with rotting, decomposing flesh. This is backing up my system and making me grumpy and stressed. I calmly explained that my stomach is rather active and constipation for me would mean voiding less than 7 times a day. She looked me in the eye and claimed "thats exactly what I said, you are not digesting well". My veins are stiff, and not "supple" enough. And my gall-bladder is not helping (It was removed in 2000). Oh, and I am not getting enough oxygen, I don't breathe enough. She promptly wrote down a list of what I cannot eat (basically anything that I like: no bread - not even whole wheat, no soda, no nuts, no oranges) and what I must (orange vegetables, wheat grass, and flax seeds). Then we got to the medications.
What a business this is. The consultation is free, but you buy the "drugs" from the pharmacy. In order to speak nice I need, Klintox (Detox advanced formula), Nolergi (scientifically advanced formula), Jarro-Dophilus (a mixture of 8 kinds of probiotic bacteria with no less than 4.4 billion organisms per capsule) and B-Rest. Without the B-Rest (which is "not-lost" somewhere in our house) the three magic potions came to a mere 380NIS.
At least its cheaper than marriage counseling.
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